The year 2000 may be remembered for lots of things, and maybe someone will remember that movies were made in that year! This year's crop has been so intense that some film critics have had to mail themselves to the Canadian wilderness to escape the onslaught of action, suspense and excitement! So how can Hollywood top the seemingly unstoppable with summer movies? Read on, movie lover, and find out:

HOME EQUITY- ROBIN WILLIAMS and WHOOPI GOLDBERG star as an elderly couple trying to cope with the loss of their house, possessions and even their identities to an international conglomerate of giant rats (led by the voice of former General COLIN POWELL), who are bent on controlling the world's helium supply. Drama.

JERRY LEWIS, MAN OF LA MANCHA- LEWIS performs in Spain to an audience of windmills, and like Don Quixote, he's oblivious to their real identities. The movie's thrilling climax shows Lewis making balloon animals just as JULIE ANDREWS starts ladling soup out to black-market potato vendors. Baseball great STAN MUSIAL calls it "a whole lot of horse #@!$, but that's just my opinion." Miscellaneous.

UNNATURAL INDECENCY- Nothing says summer like a seductive psychodrama, and this one looks to top its predecessors as fast as you can say, "Wouldn't that position crack her spine?" JON VOIGHT stars as a Roman centurion who's been buried for nearly 200 years. As he lies dead in an unmarked grave near the Mediterranean, BILLY CRYSTAL poses as a journalist in Los Angeles who secretly likes to take pictures of signs hanging outside union halls. NICOLE KIDMAN notices Crystal's fetish and introduces him to the seamy, sexy world of hanging out in the Taco Bell parking lot. DENNIS FRANZ brings his own brand of mild sauce to the already sticky web of intrigue and lost innocence as he exposes Crystal's and Kidman's secrets to their spouses (played convincingly by LESLIE NIELSEN and FAYE DUNAWAY) and then proceeds to order 800 Grande Meals. This leads to a dramatic chase scene and makes the audience wonder "Who's betraying who?" Suspense.

ONE SILLY CENTIPEDE- Kids hate bugs in real life, but on the big screen they mean big bucks! Disney's "A Bug's Life" bugs and WOODY ALLEN's Antz join forces to kick butt and take names, while a lone young centipede named Marshal Tito must save his colony. The catch? He's actually STEVE ALLEN, whose many talents include morphing into any creature imaginable. Allen emerges as the centipede leader after a bloody coup d'etat, defeats their computer generated foes and still has time to whip up some Eggs Benedict for his shellshocked war buddies. Children's.

DON'T DIE HARD, JUST DIE!!!- SYLVESTER STALLONE, JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, STEVEN SEAGAL, ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER AND DOM DELUISE decide that BRUCE WILLIS is bad for the action movie genre and try to rub him out. Meanwhile, ex-wife DEMI MOORE hires JOE PESCI to do the same job for $5 million, so he must stop the other stars from bagging his prey. But Bruce has plans of his own... Action/adventure.

MY DINNER WITH DILLER- ROB REINER has dinner with PHYLLIS DILLER and leaves the camera on. One-liners are a-flyin, but much to the cook's chagrin, so is the pot roast. Documentary

THE FANTASTIC MAGIC OF HAPPY-LAND- Everyone dies, painfully and violently, in their worst nightmares come to life, and GOD has the unenviable task of sending 98% of us to hell. Children's.

(Be sure to catch part 2 of the series - ed.)