Newspaper Headline Read From Space Not Interesting

Big brother style evil spy satellite chiefs around the world are growing tired of their relentless eavesdropping, counter-intelligence and subversive espionage folly, rapidly coming to the conclusion that they do not care what a newspaper says from a great height...

"Impressive though the technology is" says CIA scapegoat Tod Masterson, "We still find that a newspaper headline is exactly the same no matter how far away we are". His bosses seem to agree and have drastically cut spending on such satellites, instead ploughing funds into a new 'Hyper-Newsagent' where spies and the public alike can keep a watchful eye on world affairs.

Oxford imaging specialist Tim Bell is less than happy with the change of direction. "We are approaching a breakthrough in high resolution imaging technology" he said "In less than 5 years time we could theoretically read a headline from as far away as Saturn". Exciting though this news is, research chiefs at Oxford decided to expel Bell and he now scavenges for food near the sea.

The cold war, generally accepted as over and done with, is widely believed to have been a maniacal race to see which side could read the others tabloids first. The breakthough came on 15th September 1989 when researchers at MIT learnt of a Russian politicians lenient stance on organised crime from Taras Tolski, a little known socialist glamour rag. Once word got out it was only a matter of time before communism collapsed completely. Analysts now believe that the US will attempt to purchase a copy of El Cigaro (revolutionary Cuban car magazine) rather than employ expensive space tactics.

GCHQ is putting an interesting spin on the whole sorry affair though by claiming its entire programme was set up to aid long sighted people. It intends to open a special 'observatory' where people can view top secret images from a distance of a few thousand miles. "Now I can buy the Bastardo Coupe I always wanted" said one enthusiastic visitor, unaware of the wool being pulled over his eyes. Luckily his eyesight was so bad he failed to notice.