New Budget Includes Programs To Elect Gore

Washington (NBp) - President Clinton today announced a record setting $1.8 trillion budget. The new budget incorporates approximately $300 billion in programs designed to make Vice President Al Gore look good and improve his chances of being elected.

"This is a well-rounded budget that I think gives every American, who is over 18 and eligible to vote, something to cheer about," announced Clinton. "For the elderly, we've got your typical new benefits for Medicare and Social Security. For the middle aged, we've allotted some new money to ensure that retirement funds are well covered. For young adults, we have set aside funds for college programs and rock and hip-hop concerts. I don't think we've left anyone out."

"Of course, all of these programs will go away in 2002, after Gore is elected. But, I think that goes without saying," Clinton added.

"This budget features a special $20 billion fund to assist the great State of New York. That one is just a bit of general goodwill from the federal government. The Mayor of New York City certainly couldn't provide $20 billion in funding! But, there are no political motivations whatsoever with that budget item."

Clinton also announced that this year's Census program includes questions to determine how paranoid people are in a given region. "This new budget allocates $50 billion in defense spending specifically for regions of the country where the paranoid people live. For example, if citizens of nothern Montana are afraid of being invaded by Canada, we will set up a new Army base there."

"As a final note on this historic budget, let me just state that my fabulous Vice President, Al Gore, personally came up with all of these ideas. This really shows his leadership potential and his caring for all of you, the American people. Or, at least, those of you who are eligible to vote."