Clinton Asks For 'More Perfect Burger'

Washington (NBp) - Last night, Clinton issued his final State of the Union address, once again with scandal hanging over his presidency. Clinton chose to ignore Paperclipgate in his speech, however. Instead, he focused on giving America "more perfect burgers".

Building on the fast-food platform that he started with his "Taters for Tots" program, Clinton announced that he wants to help develop "more perfect burgers". "Wendy's Cheddar Lovers Bacon Cheeseburger is a perfect burger. But what we, as Americans, need is more perfect burgers. Our fathers, and their fathers before them, have been clamoring for this. The framers of the Constitution even had perfect burgers in mind as they were forming this great nation."

Clinton also praised Vice President Al Gore during his speech, hoping to boost the Democratic frontrunner's chances come election time. "Al Gore has done many great things in his life, and as part of this administration. I couldn't name any of them just now, but that's a sign of how tightly integrated into the American government he is, isn't it?"

The speech included a controversial proposal requiring children to be trained and licensed in order to climb trees or jungle gyms. "Too many American children have been hurt by not taking proper safety precautions when they climb trees. The 'Tree Children Safety Act' can save many broken arms or sprained ankles."

Clinton's address, which lasted a record 3 days, did not touch upon the Paperclipgate scandal that is brewing. He did, however, make a slip when he said, "we have school children that don't even have enough paperclips. I mean, staples." White House insiders report that he may still be coming up with an official stance on office supply abuse, but felt that improving the American burger was a higher priority.