White House Rocked By Paperclipgate

Washington (NBp) - The Clinton Presidency, already having faced Whitewatergate and Monicagate, is now faced with a new challenge in the form of Paperclipgate. NBp has learned that certain government agencies have been trying to cover up the actions of Rodney Clumper, an assistant underassistant second class that works in the White House, just down the hall from the President.

Reports are coming in that for six of the seven years of the Clinton presidency, Clumper has allegedly been abusing White House paperclips.

One source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that "Clumper uses no less than 500 paper clips a day. I see him clipping single sheets of paper. Sometimes, he'll straighten out a paperclip and claim he had just created some useful new tool. It's spooky."

A White House purchasing agent told NBp that she believes that Clumper's paperclip habit has cost taxpayers nearly $40 over the past six years. "I once saw him with a paperclip attached to his nose."

The White House is expected to issue a statement distancing Clinton from Clumper. Though the statement will fall short of announcing a zero tolerance policy for paperclip abuse, it will state that Clinton had no knowledge of Clumper's actions and that Clumper has agreed to reimburse the government for the abused clips.

One staffer didn't think this statement would go far enough. "What kind of message does letting Clumper off the hook with a slap on the wrist send to the American children? That it's really OK to abuse office supplies. It's crazy! Next thing you know, we'll hear of kids dumping the paper out of three hole punches onto other kids' heads! It's nothing short of a complete breakdown of American society."

Republicans in Congress are already scouring the law books to figure out if Paperclipgate may result in any impeachable offenses. Many lawmakers feel that it is a clear abuse of power to bend paperclips from their normal, curved shape.