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Russia Announces Anti-Anti-Missile Offense System

By Kev
Posted on January 20, 2000 9:15 am, in News Byproducts

Moscow (NBp) - Russian President Putin today announced their new anti-anti-missile offense system, dubbed the "Strategic Offense Initiative" (SOI). The move comes in retaliation for the US' continuing development of a system that allows it to destroy any missiles launched at the US.

The SOI works like this:

Some great nation launches a real nuclear missile toward the US
Russia launches up to 10 super-high-tech most-excellent SOI missiles. The SOI missiles are made of used vodka bottles and are essentially harmless.
The US launches its puny, stupid anti-missile defense missile, which becomes confused like a little child and goes after an SOI missile.
The anti-missile missile hits an SOI missile, and the original nuclear missile is able to hit its target in the heart of capitalist America

Source: Russian Ministry of Defense

"Vee vill varn zee USA that any attempts to build an anti-anti-anti-missile defense system will be met with clear retaliation in the form of our anti-anti-anti-anti-missile defense system, vich consists of specially designed sling shots zat can be operated by Russia-supporting polar bears in Alaska," explained Defense Minister Alexandrov Popov.

The US has reportedly enlisted the help of former Phoenix Foundation employee MacGyver to combat the new threat. Though the only supplies requested by MacGyver thus far have been duct tape and a chewing gum wrapper, the funding request has been held up in Congress.

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