AOL Buys Canada

Dulles, VA (NBp) - The same day that Internet media giant America Online announced the $190 billion acquisition of Time Warner, the company has also announced the $650 billion acquisition of Canada. The new company will be called AOL Time Warner Canada. As part of the merger, the country will change its name to Canada Online, and will replace the maple leaf on the flag with a red version of the AOL logo (a triangle with a swirl in the middle).

New flag of the country formerly known as Canada.

"With the acquisition of Time Warner, AOL now has unprecendented ability to provide exciting Time Warner content using Time Warner's cable system to AOL's 20 million users," announced AOL Chairman Steve Case. "Now, with the purchase of Canada, AOL broadens its reach from virtual reality to the real world. In a move unrivalled by any other online services provider, AOL can now offer its 20 million members the use of 31 million people who live just north of us."

AOL President Bob Pittman, who will be President of Canada Online after the merger is complete, announced plans to turn Canada into a theme park. "We're going to section off Canada into geographic regions that approximate the sections of our online service. For example, the city previously known as Toronto will now be called AOL Shopping. We're also planning an attraction called Virtual Grizzlies that will be just east of Vancouver and at keyword 'VGrizzly' on AOL."

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien said, "Canada is excited to become part of the leading Internet media company in the world. We'll do what we can to make the 20 million users of AOL happy, and to help them purchase more items online and read more advertisements."

Queen Elizabeth II was unavailable for comment, but is reportedly in favor of the sale, since a portion of the proceeds will go to the Royal Family.