Tom Hanks Shocker: He Is Perfectly Normal

Hollywood (NBp) - A consortium of tabloid journalists announced today that after years of frustration trying to dig up dirt on actor Tom Hanks, they have concluded that there is no dirt to dig up. These journalists claim that Hanks' normalness is abnormal.

"It's kinda creepy," said Joe Frazier from the International Inquiring Minds. "He doesn't over drink, take antidepressants, stimulants, or narcotics, doesn't beat his wife, isn't a tyrant on the set, and he pays his taxes on time. What kind of Hollywood star is this?"

Hanks' movies in the '90s have made big bucks, and won Hanks two golden statues. Despite all of this success, Hanks hasn't fallen "over the edge" or, in fact, even come close to the edge.

"It's driving us nuts," said Lacy Elwood of popular tabloid The Moon. "I swear we've spent more than Starr did on Clinton, and we haven't come up with a single Lewinsky. The guy has no enemies, no women he's sneaking around with, and no in-laws trying to extort money from him."

"I did read something once that said he couldn't walk on water," Frazier added. "But, I don't believe it."

Hanks declined to comment for this article, because he has no idea who we are.