Everyone's heard that age-old question "Who wrote the Book of Love?" Well, no one knows the answer, and except for patrons of "Sweatin' to the Oldies," no one really cares. But thanks to some nutty Green Lake residents, we may now have the answer to an equally important question- "Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp"? Terence Warner, that's who. He's one of the many 77-year old oddballs that inhabit our great town, and his claims of not only finding the bomp in his backyard, but adding it to the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp have turned the world of pop music upside down.

"See, what I did, see, was I, well, QUIT COUGHING, YOU LITTLE $@$!, AND LISTEN UP!!! It was a cold October morn when I found the bomp. And t'weren't buried in my backyard, it was sitting right out there. My dog found it."

Warner's discovery has brought Rock and Roll Hall of Fame execs to town, but skeptics are a dime a dozen. Says music critic Jim French, "He says he put the bomp in there. But don't you think he'd know who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, too?"

Green Lakers continued their love-hate relationship with the fine arts this past Thursday, when Tom Holsten organized the town's first ever Poetry Slam. Advertising was heavy and anticipation was high, but Holsten and the event's sponsors, Minnie's Pickled Marshmallows, were distraught when they learned that the hundreds who came out were there not to read their poetry but to criticize the art form. "Apparently they misunderstood what a 'poetry slam' was all about," Holsten told us later.

Not surprising, says town historian Joanie Beckweathers: in the 1970's Green Lake made headlines for quarantining the entire town for fear of catching Saturday Night Fever, thinking it was at epidemic levels.

Local artist/inventor/social deviant Janice J. Muehlhauser filed for bankruptcy last week after recalling her latest project, "The Psychedelic Swirly," from store shelves nationwide. A dejected Muehlhauser told reporters that the project was "a bad idea from the start." The "Swirly" had been under investigation by federal inspectors after numerous design problems surfaced. Though the product is no longer available, a report will come out later this week; it notes that

1. people can't watch the psychedelic colors drain in the toilet because they're too busy giving themselves a swirly (yuck)
2. purchasers mistakenly not flushing before using the product (ouch)
3. failure to add child safety locks. (we don't get it either, don't worry.)

Muehlhauser says she has a last-ditch project on tap before she returns to her "regular" job at Big Dog's Armadillo Eatery: sculpting the scientists of the Manhattan Project out of frozen yogurt and eating them. Says the artist, "It's awesome. It's sculpture, it's performance art, it's yogurt, all wrapped into one." And, says an optimistic Green Lake, it's all the "art" Janice J. Muehlhauser has left.

QUICK NOTES

Thursday

Goofy Ernie's Open Mic with Tom Jokestein, 9 pm. Unwind with Green Lake's funniest comedian and a bunch of drunks who make fun of their girlfriends in front of an adoring crowd.

Saturday and Sunday, Appleton Polo Grounds

Monster Trucks 3 pm. This is sponsored by Jansen Financial, which has just repossessed Tommy Wynoski's classic car collection. Instead of paying enormous storage fees for the cars, the bank has opted to bring monster trucks in and smash some of the rarest vehicles ever made into tiny, tiny bits. On the plus side, it's only three bucks a pop, so don't shed too many tears!

Lastly (and to whom this concerns, you know who you are!) do not come to my house looking for art or entertainment! I don't even LIKE art, for crying out loud!