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Americans Are Not Getting Enough Uranium

By Ed 'Hack' Wheely
Posted on August 26, 1999 9:17 am, in News Byproducts

Washington (NBp) - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a report stating that Americans are not getting enough uranium in their diets. They have also issued a revision to the labelling laws so that uranium content is clearly indicated.

The FDA is spending $782 million on a new uranium awareness program.

"The FDA today is recommending that all Americans consume 3 grams of uranium each day," announced FDA chair Alice Monsoon. "If everyone can make an effort to eat the right amount of uranium, we will all have that healthy glow and be able to reestablish the nuclear family."

President Clinton issued a statement after reading the report. "I am saddened that in this day in age, our great nation is not taking care to ensure that our children our properly nourished."

The FDA's report, which cites a research report from Mt. George Elementary School in Vermont, claims that the "nuclears" contained within uranium increase the "glowbules" in the bloodstream. A low glowbule count can make a person look dull and lifeless, according to the report.

Fast food giant McDonald's has already announced the "SuperNuke Happy Meal", which features uranium-enriched chicken nuggets.

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