Water Declared A Drug

Washington (NBp) - The US Department of Health and Human Services has issued a scathing report that brands water "an extremely addictive substance". Water, which is known to chemists as Dihydrogen Oxide, was previously believed to be innocuous.

The 793-page report details broad government studies that show that in excess of 99% of US citizens are already addicted to water.

"We found that almost everyone is addicted to water, and that the addiction even spreads from parent to child," explained Dr. Leonard Fitzhume, lead author of the report. "In our research, we even uncovered the fact that the bottled water companies are aware of the addictive nature of the drug dihydrogen oxide. We also found that many beverage companies use dihydrogen oxide to attract people to their products. Some companies have started free-basing their water using a process called carbonation. In this process they mix Di-Carbon Oxide with the water to which produces a light and airy effect when the product is consumed."

The DHHS report goes on to state that the addiction is common enough that slang words have even come into existence to describe the substance and its effects. For example, the word "thirsty" is used to describe the almost physical need felt by water addicts. The phrase "I'm sponging for some water" is even used by extreme addicts.

The government report states that, like heroin and cocaine addicts, water addicts have extreme symptoms of withdrawal if they are not given water over a period of time. Additionally, water has been found to be a component in such problems as fluid retention in the body and cysts. It has also been found to be responsible for health problems as serious as drowning.

The US legislature is currently considering ways to control water with the intent to eventually add it to the controlled substances list. The government faces an uphill battle, however, because water is a very common, naturally occuring substance. The Drug Enforcement Agency has already requested an additional $1 billion in funding in preparation for anti-water enforcement.