Jacksonville, FL (NBp) - A new study, commissioned by the tobacco industry, has shown that cigarette smoking encourages cell growth in the lungs and that cigarette smokers are generally happier when they smoke.

"This study is scientific proof that the verdict reached by a Florida jury is based on nothing other than malice toward cigarette companies," announced Tobacco League spokesman Myron Fraude. "We will vigorously appeal the ruling." The press conference was cut short when Fraude suffered from a serious coughing fit.

"Our first study counted the number of cells, cancerous or otherwise, in the lungs of non-smokers and smokers," explanied Clyde Kwack, chief scientist for Big Tobacco Research, Inc. "There was a definite increase in cells in the smoker, whereas there was no statistical significance to the deviation in the number of cells in the non-smoker. Obviously, this research must be based in fact since we used the expression 'statistical significance.'"

"We have also clearly shown that cigarette smoking can make people happier," says Kwack. "You see, we started with a couple of people. We gave one cigarettes whenever they wanted, but refused to give the other one cigarettes, even when they got down on their knees and begged. We could tell by the level of agitation and the number of threats that the 'control group' that did not get the cigarettes was clearly unhappy."

The major tobacco companies have already submitted the graphs above as the basis for their appeal in the Florida case.